confessions

I confess that I skipped all my classes today. I confess that it was premeditated and that I slept in. I confess that I want Don Miller to notice me, because somehow he is just supposed to know that out of the hundreds of students he has met this week, I am a writer and we should talk. I confess that I get stupid crushes on talented people and wish that my talent was noticeable. I confess that I desire recognition, so selfishly, because I need recognition and affirmation that I exist and that my existence is important. I confess that I have terrible thoughts and that if you knew who I really was-- you wouldn't read this stupid page or talk to the wretched girl who writes it.

Today was great, but strange. I enjoyed hanging out with Jason and getting to know him (see the entry below this one), but I ended up telling him some things that I normally don't share with the general public, much less the people close to me. As we hung out after that, I felt strange-- like I had opened up a large part of myself to him, and would never see him again. Of course I wouldn't-- he's a musician who lives in Nashville-- but nevertheless, I felt strange. Don't get me wrong-- it was an awesome chance to share my life and experiences with someone, but for the remainder of the day to be filled with random banter and cynical jabs at one another-- I dunno-- there was just something wrong with that.

Don talked about it last night-- the need for people to love and affirm you. We are so messed up. I am so messed up. People don't like to hear that. They don't want to hear that because deep down they know that they're messed up and if you admit that you are, though your life looks good on the outside, then they might have to admit that maybe, just maybe they don't have it all together either.

I cried and prayed last night. I was up pretty late. I needed last night. I needed to feel God's presence and love, and to tell him how much I love and adore Him.

But back to today-- it was pretty kick-ass, if you want to know the truth. I slept in, got up, went to hear Don read, met Jason, had lunch with Jerod, Jason, Glenn, and Jeremy, walked around campus, hung out with Jason and Jerod all afternoon, we had a great storm, then went to hear Don-- who was amazing (once again), and I got to see tons of friends before and after he spoke. I wish I knew what it was about today that made it so great. Maybe it was the rebel nature of it all, or the presence of a "mysterious" musician. But I bet it was that I talked to God, and made a few confessions. I love that He loves me. I pray that love would be enough.

Jason and Jerod

Jason (the mysterious musician) in red, and Jerod (such a great friend) in white-- which he will tell you over and over is pink... riiight... It was a little strange to hang out with and get to know the person who sings you to sleep at night. His album hasn't sounded the same since.

Jerod and I talked for a while in his truck tonight when he dropped me off. We've been talking a lot lately-- mostly about our faith and Christianity and Don Miller and faith and life and cursing and drinking and movies and music and faith and yeah. He challenges me and makes me think. He's also a great listener, which no one does anymore. I struggle to do it myself most of the time. Anyways-- he and I are going to "Blue Like Jazz Riffs" tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.