Sometimes I am troubled with choice and will. Things like free will and destiny and fate send me into long spells of think-- where I sit and ponder and furrow my brow and finally end up on my back staring at the sky. This is what I do when I can think no longer-- lay on my back and stare up at the sky.
Laying on the swing, swaying back and forth, the sky visible only through gnarled limbs and millions and tiny green leaves, I stared and sighed. My thoughts were no clearer than my view. Still millions of tiny leaves in the way.
I was thinking about something that was mentioned in my creative writing class-- not anything that we were learning about-- just something offhand. (I always learn or think more about the offhand tangent stuff than the actual content of the lesson.) The line that stuck in my mind and rang in my ears was this-- we are the creatures who chose wisdom over Paradise.
I think the speaker was wrong and what they meant to say was that we chose knowledge over Paradise, for wisdom is entirely different than knowledge itself, and for this entry we will use the word knowledge because I think that is the word that a learned person would have used in the first place-- but I digress.
We are the creatures who chose knowledge over Paradise. I thought about this statement for a long time. It is true though-- think about it in your daily lives. We yearn and stretch to know the truth of situations, when in reality it would be easier to accept what is already in front of us. We search for cures for diseases, enduring surgery after surgery and treatment after treatment, when that time could be spent amongst family and loved ones. We wrench the truth from friends and partners-- what they really think or how they truly feel-- when sometimes happiness and bliss could be ours if we had simply left things unsaid. We are a people constantly in search of knowledge-- the seeking of which oftentimes results in more than we ever wished to know, more than we thought was there initially, more than we can handle.
And then there are those who live in their own bliss-- those among us that cannot choose to search for knowledge-- those of us who are mentally handicapped, who live in worlds foreign to the rest of us. And to those of us with knowledge, it seems that those who cannot physically attain so much of it live in a Paradise of sorts. But they did not choose their infirmity, and somehow therefore can no longer choose knowledge. Because the initial choice was not their own, their ability to choose later on is not their own. Because of their curse they are blessed.
Now this assertion comes with the assumption that people with these infirmities do not realize their situation and that they can not acquire said knowledge. I know that this is not true in all cases, and it very well may not be true in any case and these may be the inane conclusions of a blessed young woman who envies the joy she sees in the faces of those to whom knowledge is foreign-- though she is actually quite incorrect and quote the ass for making them. Or this may have some truth in it.
(And here she goes ranting-- really I shouldn't be allowed to blog late at night on a caffeinated-sugar-high...)
Rant #1:
It all comes down to this: is knowledge power? How much do you really want to know about someone? How much do you really want to know about life and love and truth and God? One way of viewing this is that if you choose knowledge-- then you choose it over Paradise. And one may say that is all good and well and that Paradise awaits them at the end of it all-- but what the hell are you to do with the time you have left if the knowledge you acquire is not knowledge that your small insignificant mind can handle? What then? So choose your knowledge wisely...???
Rant #2:
I have a new group of friends-- and we've grown close pretty quickly. The only thing is-- nobody has asked about the real me stuff, and the result is that we are growing closer-- but they are growing closer to their idea of me rather than to the real me. It is easier for them to stay on the route they are on with the lack of knowledge, but it is killing me because I feel like I am hiding something, even though I know I'm just waiting for the right time to share something like that-- you know? But then- I still choose what to tell and what not to tell, and therefore-- do I choose knowledge for them? Ugh.
Rant #3:
Did Eve even realize what she was choosing? I don't mean to be a heretic or anything, but I wonder if the magnitude of her decision explained beforehand. True-- it didn't need to be-- she was told not to and she should have listened. But really-- was the woman choosing knowledge or to disobey? Were the three parts of the equation explained-- you are (1) picking an apple form the tree of knowledge-- the result of which is knowledge, and (2) in doing this you forfeit any chance to remain in this Paradise, and that (3) you are thus cursing everyone else that is ever to exist because you choose knowledge over Paradise. I just don't know if that initial statement even holds true sometimes. And then on top of that-- does that mean that I am still a creature who chose knowledge-- or more like I am a creature who must deal with the consequences of someone who chose knowledge over Paradise-- or maybe even a person who chose an apple over Paradise? I think I have over thought this into the ground again... dangit.
millions of tiny leaves...
