confessions

I confess that I skipped all my classes today. I confess that it was premeditated and that I slept in. I confess that I want Don Miller to notice me, because somehow he is just supposed to know that out of the hundreds of students he has met this week, I am a writer and we should talk. I confess that I get stupid crushes on talented people and wish that my talent was noticeable. I confess that I desire recognition, so selfishly, because I need recognition and affirmation that I exist and that my existence is important. I confess that I have terrible thoughts and that if you knew who I really was-- you wouldn't read this stupid page or talk to the wretched girl who writes it.

Today was great, but strange. I enjoyed hanging out with Jason and getting to know him (see the entry below this one), but I ended up telling him some things that I normally don't share with the general public, much less the people close to me. As we hung out after that, I felt strange-- like I had opened up a large part of myself to him, and would never see him again. Of course I wouldn't-- he's a musician who lives in Nashville-- but nevertheless, I felt strange. Don't get me wrong-- it was an awesome chance to share my life and experiences with someone, but for the remainder of the day to be filled with random banter and cynical jabs at one another-- I dunno-- there was just something wrong with that.

Don talked about it last night-- the need for people to love and affirm you. We are so messed up. I am so messed up. People don't like to hear that. They don't want to hear that because deep down they know that they're messed up and if you admit that you are, though your life looks good on the outside, then they might have to admit that maybe, just maybe they don't have it all together either.

I cried and prayed last night. I was up pretty late. I needed last night. I needed to feel God's presence and love, and to tell him how much I love and adore Him.

But back to today-- it was pretty kick-ass, if you want to know the truth. I slept in, got up, went to hear Don read, met Jason, had lunch with Jerod, Jason, Glenn, and Jeremy, walked around campus, hung out with Jason and Jerod all afternoon, we had a great storm, then went to hear Don-- who was amazing (once again), and I got to see tons of friends before and after he spoke. I wish I knew what it was about today that made it so great. Maybe it was the rebel nature of it all, or the presence of a "mysterious" musician. But I bet it was that I talked to God, and made a few confessions. I love that He loves me. I pray that love would be enough.

Jason and Jerod

Jason (the mysterious musician) in red, and Jerod (such a great friend) in white-- which he will tell you over and over is pink... riiight... It was a little strange to hang out with and get to know the person who sings you to sleep at night. His album hasn't sounded the same since.

Jerod and I talked for a while in his truck tonight when he dropped me off. We've been talking a lot lately-- mostly about our faith and Christianity and Don Miller and faith and life and cursing and drinking and movies and music and faith and yeah. He challenges me and makes me think. He's also a great listener, which no one does anymore. I struggle to do it myself most of the time. Anyways-- he and I are going to "Blue Like Jazz Riffs" tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

chill

I have a new famous friend-- what a cool week. Jason Feller, an incredible musician, is down here from Nashville to play for REZ Week. Jason knows my friend, Jerod, and the three of us had lunch and have been hanging out this afternoon... I am actually still at Jerod's apartment right now. :) Go to his website-- the CD is amazing!

www.jasonfellermusic.com

stalking don miller

Okay, okay. So it sorta looks like I'm stalking Don Miller, but I promise it is total coincidence that I happen to appear in his vacinity every time he appears on campus.... I swear!

This week is REZ Week, and my favorite time of year at UT. REZ Week is the week I see all my Christians friends from all over campus in one place, a time for Christians and non-Christians to dialogue ith one another in an open and safe environment, and this year, it is the time when I skip all my classes and stalk Don Miller, one of my favorite authors. :)

The House of Prayer is open 24 hours all week to pray and worship in fron of Gregory Gym on campus. Adjacent to it is the coffee house and visual arts display-- new features this year, and a really great idea. The coffee house features live music and performers during the midday, and Don has been reading from his books. Then in the evenings, there is a live concert from local bands, a performer of some sort, and then Don speaks.

That's where I've been all week for those of you who have been wondering. If you are looking for me, you should go to the House of Prayer and coffee house. It's been great. There are also giant boards with topical questions written on them and the opportunity to respond. Some of the questions include: "What do you hate about Christians?" "What is the path to heaven?" "Why would Jesus be a democrat/ republican?" etc. People stand all day staring at the boards and I've heard some really great conversations in that area.

Last night, some really awesome people that I know from Truett Seminary came down to hear Don, and then I went to Magnolia with them afterwards. It was great!

This is straight from the REZ week website:

REZ WEEK Themes and Topics
We believe that Jesus is worth following, yet often those who claim to follow him give him a bad name. "Christianity," as a word, has a lot of baggage with it because of these people. Christians have separated themselves from the rest of the world by creating a subculture that often does not reflect Jesus at all. We hope to expose this subculture during Rez Week so that Christians will learn to really live like Jesus, and so that those who have yet to follow Christ can see that they can follow Jesus without joining the Christian subculture, which many find repulsive.

Monday: The Destruction of Christian Culture (Jesus and "Christian culture")
- Free Speech Topic: "What I hate about Christians"

Tuesday: The Destruction of Five-Step Faith (Jesus and Religious Formulas)
- Free Speech Topic: "How do you find God?"

Wednesday: The Destruction of Fire and Brimstone (Jesus and Judgment)
- Free Speech Topic: "How has God blessed you?"

Thursday: The Destruction of Church and State (Jesus and Politics)
- Free Speech Topic: "Why Jesus would be a Democrat/Republican."

Friday: The Destruction of the American Dream (Jesus and Patriotism)
- Free Speech Topic: "How has the United States of America caused suffering around the world?"

The REZ Week website link:
http://www.texasunited.org/

On Friday, I will be attending a conference with Don Miller, not connected with REZ Week, but through the Emerging Church Network. It's called Blue Like Jazz Riffs and includes lunch with Don, a Q&A time, readings, and a message. I'm so psyched!!!

Check out the link if you are interested. It's too late to get lunch with Don, but you can still attend. :)
www.emergingchurchnetwork.com/donald_miller/

pick me pick me!

I met Don Miller! I met Don Miller! I met Don Miller-- hey hey hey hey!!!

details to come...

resurrection day

He is risen. He is risen, indeed.

.

****************************************************

I think that there is someone out there who needs to know this. I said it in a dream last night, and though I did say it to someone in particular, I don't know that this statement was meant for that person. Maybe it is for one of you, maybe for several, but it needs to be said.

You drop to your knees, and suddenly, I'm down on my knees beside you. We come to each other this way. I take your hand in one of mine and wipe away your tears with the other. Then I wipe away mine. I tip your chin up to see your eyes and I tell you this:

I love you. I truly love you. And by loving you I mean that I would do anything in my power to reveal God to you, to reveal the Truth to you. I would do anything to bring you closer to Him. I give you my time, my energy, my laughter and tears. I would give you my life if that is what it took for you to see Him-- to know Him. Maybe even for a glimpse of Him. This life is not my own; I give it, in love, to you.

I love you-- flaws, bad decisions, past, and all. I love you when you don't love me.

I love you past your masks. I love you past your many faces and many lies. I am not accusing, for I too have shown you mine and told you many. But I love you anyways.

I love you past your pride and selfishness. I love you past yourself. (And yes- I do love the you part of you too.)

He is teaching me to love like he does. He loves us past ourselves. We hide from Him, thinking that He couldn't possibly love us. It's stupid to hide, from me or from Him. He loves you, and I do too.

rousing a deaf me

"We can rest contentedly in our sins and in our stupidities, and anyone who has watched gluttons shoveling down the most exquisite foods as if they did not know what they were eating will admit that we can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

-C.S. Lewis

moose and goose

Happy 21st Birthday to Mr. Bryan "Moose" Kettlewell!!!

Bryan and I hung out all afternoon Monday. Bryan ("B" to me) and I have known each other since 7th grade, so 8 years now-- and he's one of those people that I can go half a year without seeing and feel like we've never been apart. He also cracks me up like none other. So we hung out in my room while he played guitar and graciously allowed me to take over a hundred pictures of him. A couple of them turned out okay. PS- he has really pretty feet. :) Bryan, happy birthday, buddy. Thank you for eight great years of friendship and for a very cool afternoon. And hey-- have you ever seen a moose kissing a goose?

me and my words

Since getting back from Padre, I can't stop listening to country music. I stopped listening to country music over a year ago, and yet, I find myself swaying back and forth crying while Tim McGraw lulls me into a pensive, yet melancholy state. It makes sense if you think about it. Last week was such an emotional roller coaster and I am one of those people who takes a few weeks to process such things. What good would a heart be if I didn't allow it to run the gamut of human emotions? This is just another emotion. I wish I could identify it, though. It is a little sad, very introspective and thought-provoking, quiet, but not depressing at all. I am fully functional and can snap out of it when I need to. But when I'm alone, it is there. Why country music?-- I ask myself. I don't get it. But I am a firm believer in ups and downs, peaks and valleys, and deep processing time. So excuse me while I process. Excuse me while I sway.

A dear friend of mine said it better than I ever could:
"Some times words aren't enough. Some things fade away in the broad daylight. Some days, nothing happens and it changes your life. Some people aren't all that special, but you never forget them. I think me and my words are gonna stay inside today, and we'll talk about things that really matter."

Thanks for the words, friend. Me and my words are gonna stay inside today too.

beach reach 2005

I wish I knew where to begin. I have been searching for words since returning, finding no combination adequate enough to describe my Spring Break. I will never pray the same, I will never worship the same, I will never serve the same, and I will never be the same. The Beach Reachers and the spring breakers were some of the coolest people I have ever met! I met people from all over the country this week, all coming in to participate in South Padre's annual Spring Break festivities. It was wild at times, with riots that made the national news, and it was calm at others, with vacant beaches cleared by the harsh wind and cold. I miss their faces already-- the faces of those with whom I served all week. The UT group drew from four different campus ministries, as well as taking in some TCU, Tech, and A&M students. Beach Reach as a whole brought in 450 students from across the country, giving up their Spring Breaks to serve their peers. As I mentioned before, we were serving pancakes late night and in the mornings, offering free van rides up and down the island, and hanging out with some really awesome people. :)

My Team: Choong-Fai, Brian, Rebecca, and Alix

It was an honor to serve as a team leader, and my team was incredible. Rebecca came to Beach Reach last year, and her experience was such an asset. Choong-Fai and I have known each other since Freshman Orientation, and seem to keep running into one another. He was stuck with me this week. Brian is a sophomore engineer at UT, and Alix came to us from TX Tech. In fact, my entire team was made up of science minds, which was interesting at times for me. But God used us, individually and as a team. By the end of the week my team realized that cutting loose and joking with our van passengers about Christian stereotypes was our calling. Demonstrating to our fellow students that we can laugh at ourselves with them was a powerful ministry to some of them. I ended up telling one passenger, Ed, who kept insisting on giving us money that we couldn't accept it because we would have to offer it up for ritual sacrifice. Alix told a group of students that "Buddy Christ" loved them (which is a reference from the movie Dogma). It was authentic interaction, and it was returned with authentic appreciation.

I loved that spending time on the beach with people was considered a ministry. We were to do whatever we wanted on the beach with people that would have us interacting with the spring breakers-- which could be anything from frisbee to talking to people about the daily sand sculptures. It was cold for a lot of the week, but it was beautiful when we arrived and when we left. We worshiped on the beach twice, as well as cleaning it in the mornings and baptizing people in the ocean.

After an entire week of people-- living with them, working with them, praying with them, worshiping with them, serving with them, laughing with them-- I found myself alone on my ranch out in Dripping Springs. The silence was unreal. And as much as I longed for the separation and the silence all week, all I could think of was my fellow Beach Reachers. I've already promised to start attending the Texas Wesley Thursday gathering so I can see my girls. :)

I watched God work all week. I love that He uses us, even though He doesn't need us. And He would energize us and keep us moving as we sought to do His work, making 3 hours of sleep feel like 8. I love that He used me, even though I tried to do things in my own power. He had to strip me of my pride a time or two, which hurts like hell. I found out that I have a lot of pride issues this week, and I needed Him to point them out. He broke my heart several times, and I would open my eyes to find myself on the floor in the middle of worship sobbing openly. He moved in each of our lives, even though this week wasn't about us at all.

Once I realized that I was attempting to do things in my own power- I gave it all up to Him. I was powerless and weak. That's when He began to use me. I was sick and and weary, and had no choice but to rely fully on Him. That's when He used me. I love the way the Lord works. By the end of the week, I couldn't stop seeing wing imagery in my head every time I spoke to God. I looked up wings in Scripture. There are 7 refernces, 6 of which are in the Old Testament. God uses wings to catch us, bring us to Him, to offer refuge, and comfort. And then it happened that every time that I worshiped, I discovered that my arms would spread wide like wings, and for the first time, I worshiped in full freedom in Him without a single care or thought of my surroundings or actions.

Six of our guys opted to camp out instead of staying in the motel. They got to know the other campers, and served in that area as much as they could. I got the opportunity to serve pancakes out there one morning, and then to help out after the windstorm. As the some of guys repaired tents and helped out the campers, others of us cooked hot dogs and hung out with them. I laughed so hard that afternoon! As it turned out, even though this was not an official Beach Reach ministry, it was my favorite time where I feel that I served best. We had so much time to sit around and to get to know people. That's what my ministry is really about.

Hanging out at the campgrounds with some of the coolest people on the island :)

IHOP Reunion... one day after we got back!

I love that we couldn't go a full day without seeing each other again. We met up at IHOP to have, what else-- pancakes! As if we didn't each eat our weight in them this week! As we sat around comparing how many hours each of us had slept the night before, I sat back and watched. These creatures, so uniquely different, God uses in dramatically different ways, but all for the same single purpose. We exist to glorify God-- to love Him, to serve Him, to love each other, and to serve each other. That's what we did this week. We love Him, so we loved on people.